In my worst nightmare, I never could have imagined I would become a member of this club.
Over the years, when a friend or acquaintance lost a child, I felt devastated for them. How are they still standing? I cannot even imagine. I cannot let my mind go there.
I was convinced I could not survive that kind of loss or that unbearable pain. No, there was no way I could endure any of my children dying before me.
Well, I have learned many things in these last two months.
I have learned that when you lose a child, no matter their age, no matter the circumstances, you have to bear it. You have no choice. You have to because you cannot escape it. Whether you want to or not, you must continue putting one foot in front of another. You continue to live for the living and soon learn you must stop asking yourself the painful question every parent who goes through this must ask themselves hundreds of times. What more could I have done?
I have learned that grief like this is every bit as debilitating as I ever imagined. Crushing.
I have learned that we humans can cry more tears than we ever thought possible.
I have learned there are days you wonder if you will ever smile again or be completely happy because a black cloud has wrapped itself around you until you are numb, paralyzed.
I have learned there are others who cannot imagine this type of grief and may go so far as to tell you, “You simply need to push forward and get over it.” Be patient with them; they cannot imagine this, I tell myself.
I have learned friends and family will show their true colors. The majority will be incredibly comforting, the kind of human beings who are actually Angels here on earth, no questions asked. They love you and only hope to support you and care for you.
Then again, there will always be the others. They need more details, they cannot understand, and they are uncomfortable and cannot reach out. They bring you down even further, if that is possible. Forget them.
Be grateful for your Angels.
I have learned that the unexpected suicide of a loved one, in my case my oldest son Ray, is the most complicated debilitating grief one can deal with. It is uncomfortable. It is tragic and impossible to wrap your head around, much less your heart.
I have learned the hard way all the things NOT to say or ask a parent who has lost a child. Again, regardless of that child’s age or circumstances of their death, the parent can hardly speak or think clearly after such a loss. When a heart is breaking, one does not need to be asked the how, the why, or hear you pontificate your theories. All that parent wants and desperately needs is a shoulder, kindness, and a sympathetic ear.
I have learned that after you have lost a child, nothing relieves that gushing, ragged rip left in your heart. That open wound will live inside of you always, and as you heal over time and normalcy returns inch by inch, that wound will harden into a scar that is imprinted on you forever.
As I mend, I will carry on. I will laugh again and wrap my family and friends in the most intense love I can. I have my beloved children and ten amazing grandchildren to live for and my dear friends. And there’s my husband, my rock, who will stand by my side always.
Lastly, the hardest lesson I have learned is that our future is an unknown, no matter how we envision it or try to do all the right things to protect ourselves and our loved ones. I thought I knew that fact, but I really didn’t. How could I have?