My son Richard (everyone calls him Ray) reminds me of my other three sons, Dustin, Marc and Ian in so many ways. Same chin, similar bone structure, same quick humor, sometimes sarcastic, bright, and extremely competitive. His three half-brothers have a different father of course, but I see mostly me and my side of the family in all of my four sons.
Perhaps because that is what I look for?
Another family trait is that we are all communicators in some fashion. I am one of those fortunate Moms. My grown sons, two in their 40s and two in their 50s still find time to connect with me. For the most part, at least every week there will be a call and several texts from each of them. I love that. I never want to be the ‘nosey Mom or Mother in Law’ pushing my way into their or their wives’ busy lives of career and raising children…their business. I cringe when I hear stories of mothers trying to control their adult children. I am always here if they need me, but my sons are “men” after all, no longer little boys who demand their Mom’s constant attention, worry, or advice. I raised my boys to become men, not Mama’s boys.
I can see a difference sometimes in the way Ray communicates in comparison to the way my other three sons communicate. Is this another Nurture vs Nature moment? Or just his way? He is not as quick on the text replies, or even call backs. In the beginning of our new found relationship, it worried me to no end. My squirrely insecure brain would jump into over drive.
Did I say something wrong? Does he still want this relationship? Did I offend him? Did he not get the voicemail? The text? Was it too good to be true?
I know, I know, I sound like fourteen year old girl with a crush. But I speak the truth, when I say the experience was very similar. After all I had fallen in love with this secret, now found son. About the time that I would start worrying that I had not heard back from him, and that big insecure place in my head was consuming me ..ding! A text. Or a return call. All was fine, he’d say, he had simply been busy. After all, he like all the sons, had a full time career, wife, children, obligations… well, a life.
Of course, my rational brain would make me smile at my silly worried self. Also, intellectually I would realize, our relationship was working itself into a normal healthy one, no longer the frantic honeymoon it had been when we first reunited. I breathed a sigh of relief.
But, I cannot lie. There is nothing much better than getting that return text or a heartfelt one filled with loving words from any of your children. They validate us as Mothers. Those texts are the adult equivalent of the handmade valentine your 6 year old crafts with squiggly printed letters, and extra glue and glitter smashed on top of those beautiful intense words.
‘ I LUVe YOU MOMmY …You are the Best…’
Does that ever get old? Never, from any of my sons.
Since I lost the chance to raise Ray, to see his first tooth push through pink baby gums, his first tottering step, his first day of Kindergarten or graduation from college, every visit, every call and text are amazing to receive. Every milestone I didn’t live through with him still weighs heavy in my heart and any communication we have slowly heals that.
Sure, Ray and I have missed all the hard stuff too, like discipline, frustration not seeing eye to eye with your child, or restriction because he didn’t obey rules and curfew as a willful teenager. ‘All those things that happen naturally so that you are ready to cut that cord when the time comes,’ the old saying say. But are we truly ever ready to cut that umbilical cord? I think not.
That cord is for life, no matter the circumstances, no matter the distance. This I know is true. That invisible umbilical cord continues to serve it’s purpose, no matter the miles apart, or the years that pass. And my greatest joy is that now, I am connected to all four of my sons as it was meant to be. Always.